hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Jul 21, 2011 21:14:55 GMT 1
The Balloonist
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'
The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'
The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.'
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Jul 21, 2011 21:16:05 GMT 1
WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was: "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:-
1. - In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. 2. - In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. 3. - In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. 4. - In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. 5. - In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution"meant. 6. - In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. 7. - In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. 8. - In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Jul 21, 2011 21:17:42 GMT 1
WHO IS JACK SCHITT? For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH. REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Jul 21, 2011 21:29:36 GMT 1
He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake, He said my biscuits were too hard Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked him one
Like his mother used to do.
******************************************
I love a good poem, don't you?!?!
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Jul 21, 2011 21:35:46 GMT 1
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Jul 21, 2011 22:33:41 GMT 1
Voted Best Joke in Ireland
John Murphy hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said..
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Jul 21, 2011 22:34:43 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
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Post by rj2para (Bisto) on Jul 22, 2011 20:01:11 GMT 1
not read this section for a while. I like that. Cheers for the pointer Hairy.
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Jul 22, 2011 21:43:14 GMT 1
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast.
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Jul 22, 2011 21:43:33 GMT 1
How to get to Heaven from Yorkshire ..
I was testing children in my Barnsley Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted, "Tha's got t' be chuffin' deed"
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Jul 22, 2011 21:54:28 GMT 1
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat slob, I was talking to the cat!'
Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can read but, bless, look at you having a little go!
In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off'
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Jul 22, 2011 22:00:30 GMT 1
Older Men Scam Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves whilst shopping and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular visitors to the shopping precinct. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car as you are putting your shopping into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen nine times in March. Also April1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and May 6th, 11th and 13th. It's very likely again this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Tesco has wallets on sale for just £2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for 99p at the Pound Store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 5kgs just running back and forth from Tesco, to Sainsbury’s to Morrison's etc. So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Jul 22, 2011 22:12:17 GMT 1
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales ...
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,
'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us'.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said, ' Burrr-Gurrr-King'
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Jul 22, 2011 22:27:14 GMT 1
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio-cast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Jul 23, 2011 7:18:34 GMT 1
Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, who was half his age. All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a "woman's magazine" and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.. To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian, since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip. However, the Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a fookin' towel!"
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