hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on May 22, 2012 16:56:57 GMT 1
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.
Sure enough, I encountered a roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!
If you know of anybody missing a bus, please let me know so I can arrange to return it.
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pikey
Bad ass biker
Posts: 342
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Post by pikey on May 22, 2012 17:17:37 GMT 1
I`m deeply saddened by the news about a good mate who has passed away from overdosing on a proprietary indigestion medication.
I can`t believe it, Gav is gone.
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pikey
Bad ass biker
Posts: 342
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Post by pikey on May 24, 2012 14:22:41 GMT 1
The worst thing about my schizophrenia is that even when I`m alone I can`t be sure who farted!
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pikey
Bad ass biker
Posts: 342
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Post by pikey on May 25, 2012 4:22:22 GMT 1
I`ve just accidentally swallowed a load of Scrabble pieces.
My next sheite could spell trouble!
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pikey
Bad ass biker
Posts: 342
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Post by pikey on May 25, 2012 4:25:05 GMT 1
A copper with a sniffer dog came up to me in the street the other day and said, "my dog tells me you`re on drugs" "ME" I said, " you`re the one with the feckin talking dog"!
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pikey
Bad ass biker
Posts: 342
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Post by pikey on May 25, 2012 4:25:57 GMT 1
You`ve gotta love Ebay eh?
I sold my homing pidgeon 8 times last month!
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pikey
Bad ass biker
Posts: 342
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Post by pikey on May 26, 2012 7:16:15 GMT 1
I went to Switzerland to witness my grannies assissted suicide, I wasn`t impressed at the hotel breakfast though, the sick feckers were serving Cheerios!
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pikey
Bad ass biker
Posts: 342
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Post by pikey on May 26, 2012 7:21:03 GMT 1
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last week. Apparently ` a meal for two with a terrible view` isn`t a pc way to call number 69.
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on May 26, 2012 8:44:32 GMT 1
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head,says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," & knocked on wood for luck. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on May 26, 2012 8:46:21 GMT 1
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.. "To get my teeth!"
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on May 26, 2012 8:46:56 GMT 1
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on May 26, 2012 8:47:57 GMT 1
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, " Mildred , did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
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pikey
Bad ass biker
Posts: 342
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Post by pikey on May 29, 2012 12:33:10 GMT 1
Q) What has 100 legs and 3 teeth?
A) A methadone queue.
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pikey
Bad ass biker
Posts: 342
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Post by pikey on May 29, 2012 12:35:27 GMT 1
There`s a new Middle East crisis looming:
Last night Dubai TV refused to broadcast the Flintstones on prime time, a spokesman said, "Dubai`s people won`t understand the humour but Abu Dhabi do".
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pikey
Bad ass biker
Posts: 342
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Post by pikey on May 30, 2012 7:56:24 GMT 1
While at a funeral for the local traffic warden a voice was heard from within the coffin, "let me out, I`m not dead"? The vicar smiled, leant forward and through gritted teeth said, " too late pal, the papwerwork`s already done"!
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