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Post by Jaz66 on Sept 22, 2011 13:15:10 GMT 1
;D ;D ;D ;D Love that last one hairy... here is one is saw recently. "Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired a consulting firm to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.' I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon… ' !!!!!
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Post by skyhook on Sept 23, 2011 8:39:40 GMT 1
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an not a very nice person!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for not a very nice person?"
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
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Post by Jaz66 on Sept 23, 2011 10:28:45 GMT 1
like it ;D
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Post by skyhook on Sept 24, 2011 22:11:14 GMT 1
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE coloured guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little man staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch thingy, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.' The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch thingy, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.' The little guy says: 'Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around".
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Post by Jaz66 on Sept 25, 2011 13:03:52 GMT 1
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Post by skyhook on Sept 28, 2011 12:30:24 GMT 1
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super....' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch_'
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Apr 24, 2012 13:42:49 GMT 1
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results, but now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits." She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Apr 24, 2012 13:44:09 GMT 1
Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!
A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had Been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
ANZ: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
ANZ: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
ANZ: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . .. The part about her Being dead?'
ANZ: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
ANZ: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)
ANZ: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
ANZ: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'
ANZ: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
ANZ: 'That might help.'
Family Member: ' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.'
ANZ: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on Apr 24, 2012 13:48:21 GMT 1
NB – I haven’t checked the accuracy of this, but some of the numbers seem to be about right.
Pythagoras' Theorem: ...........................................24 words.
Lord's prayer:....................................................... 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: ...........................................67 words.
Ten Commandments: ..........................................179 words.
Gettysburg address: ............................................286 words.
US Declaration of Independence : .................... 1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: .........7,818 words.
EU regulations on the sale of CABBAGES:.....26,911 words
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pikey
Bad ass biker
Posts: 342
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Post by pikey on May 22, 2012 11:24:34 GMT 1
There`s this drunk immigrant, every day he sits on the pavement outside my house singing,
"I wanna know where love is".
Fecking Foreigner!
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on May 22, 2012 16:44:41 GMT 1
Looking for Miss right.....
"When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser,
.................and am looking for a girl with big tits
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on May 22, 2012 16:45:46 GMT 1
Gordon Brown is being shown around a Scottish hospital, is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no visible signs of injury.
He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims" "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!" Brown is somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Laird be thankit."
The next patient sits up and declaims: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi' bickering brattle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi' murdering prattle!"
Well, says Brown to the doctor. "These poor men are all in a terrible state. I can see they have massive problems, but what on earth is wrong with the poor creatures?."
The doctor advises him: "this is the Serious Burns Unit!"
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on May 22, 2012 16:46:54 GMT 1
THE ROBOT BARTENDER A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc....... The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"?? This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e? y-o-u-r? p-e-o-p-l-e??? h-a-p-p-y? w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A? ?
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on May 22, 2012 16:48:40 GMT 1
Hi You have just received a Taliban virus. Since we are not so technologically advanced in Afghanistan, this is a MANUAL virus. Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this mail to everyone you know. Thank you very much for helping me. Abdullah Taliban Hacker
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hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
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Post by hairyuk on May 22, 2012 16:52:52 GMT 1
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse O dude's new health care Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. So no matter what you will be discharged.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?
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