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Post by The General on Dec 22, 2009 19:13:53 GMT 1
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his Pyjama bottoms and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts..
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! after years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you'.
What do you mean?' asked his wife.
Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. but by the grace of god, with some vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 23, 2009 7:39:20 GMT 1
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
--------------blah---------------------
-----------------blah---------------------
..........Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. but by the grace of god, with some vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. Do you realise how many Xmas dinner you have ruined with that joke, ? gonna be hard to see the turkey as lip smacking with that mental picture in your head....................... . ;D ;D |
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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 23, 2009 8:42:26 GMT 1
Dr Dave had intimate relations with one of his patients.
It was important to him not to have that happen in his career but just once one thing led to another and now he is feeling down and embarrassed.
Fortunately, he has a small voice working to cheer him up. "Don't even worry about it. You're not the first doctor this has happened to and you certainly won't be the last, and besides you're single so nobody even cares. Just forget it."
He is starting to feel just a bit better until another really mean little voice reminds him:.....
.... "But Dave ...you're a vet."
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Post by McF on Dec 23, 2009 9:18:41 GMT 1
Do you realise how many Xmas dinner you have ruined with that joke, ? gonna be hard to see the turkey as lip smacking with that mental picture in your head....................... . ;D ;D Oh dear, apologies to one and all  |
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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 23, 2009 9:24:46 GMT 1
Why condoms come in different packs... ;D
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms.
Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things daddy?”
His dad said, “Condoms son.”
The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1, 3 and 12?”
The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night.
The ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
And the ones with twelve in them are for the married men,
......
one for January, one for February, one for March…”
;D
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Post by McF on Dec 23, 2009 9:26:08 GMT 1
.... "But Dave ...you're a vet." That rates a ;D I thought you were going to say he was a mortician ;D ;D |
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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 23, 2009 9:32:49 GMT 1
Mr Browns clock................  A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ‘What are all those clocks?’ St. Peter answered, ‘Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.’ Oh,’ said the man, ‘whose clock is that?’ ‘That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.’ ‘Incredible, ‘ said the man. ‘And whose clock is that one?’ St. Peter responded, ‘That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.’ ‘Where’s Gordon Brown’s clock?’ asked the man. ‘Brown’s clock is in God’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.’ |
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Post by McF on Dec 23, 2009 10:10:23 GMT 1
‘Brown’s clock is in God’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.’ An adaptation on the "How can you tell when a lawyer is not telling the truth?" His lips are moving |
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Post by Buzzin (^_^) on Dec 26, 2009 2:15:09 GMT 1
Just heard on QI: War is gods way of teaching Americans geography  |
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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 26, 2009 19:09:50 GMT 1
Looking for a particular t shirt that your post reminded me of and found these two instead........................ Rude but made me chuckle.... ;D ;D   |
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Post by Jaz66 on Jan 17, 2010 10:40:39 GMT 1
Shamelessly stolen from here... Zotkes funnies don't forget to check out the eye test... "-Older but not wiser ! A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says. "I was behind you in the queue at McDonald's." Does bring to mind a lady who once came into where i was working sporting a new hair-do, and obviously feeling pretty good about her self was asking customers to say how old she was...Unfortunately she asked one of the oldest, Grumpiest men int he shop, and it went like this..... "How old do you think i am? I don't look 70 do I" "No, said old Grumpy,............. but i bet you used to...." Exit stage right, one vexed lady.................... ;D ;D |
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Post by Buzzin (^_^) on Jan 22, 2010 17:04:07 GMT 1
Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...You'll love this ....
'You got Male!
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Post by McF on Feb 4, 2010 1:01:49 GMT 1
Wisdom of An Older Man
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere.
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Post by Jaz66 on Feb 4, 2010 2:13:31 GMT 1
;D ;D ;D like it...  That reminds me.. "Looking for Miss right..... "When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now older and wiser, .................and am looking for a girl with big tits." |
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Post by McF on Feb 5, 2010 13:04:18 GMT 1
I am now older and wiser, .................and am looking for a girl with big tits." brilliant |
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