buckiemick
Ahh! Just passed their bike test
The price of freedom is vigilance !
Posts: 35
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Post by buckiemick on Feb 28, 2010 13:10:12 GMT 1
Only a Scotsman would post this with his tongue well and truly planted in his cheek... ;D ;D ;D
A Mexican, Arab and a Englishman are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws his empty glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The Englishman cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In England we have so many f**king illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
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Post by McF on Mar 8, 2010 21:25:37 GMT 1
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
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pongo
Restricted to 33BHP
Posts: 51
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Post by pongo on Mar 16, 2010 16:55:00 GMT 1
Too funny not to post apologies in advance to JJ ;D
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply, so they bought the cow and it was wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.
"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had bought the cow from Wales.
"You are truly a wise Vet" they said, "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?"
"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wales."
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Post by Jaz66 on Mar 17, 2010 4:14:19 GMT 1
hahaha.... ;D ;D ;D like it....very much
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Post by Jaz66 on Apr 27, 2010 11:37:17 GMT 1
Shamelssly stolen from another forum.....
__________________________________
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: > > 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines > enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. > > Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures > outlined below when accessing their accounts. > > After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been > developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.' > > ******************************* > MALE PROCEDURE: > 1. Drive up to the cash machine. > 2. Put down your car window. > 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. > 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. > 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. > 6. Put window up. > 7. Drive off. > > ******************************* > > FEMALE PROCEDURE: > > 1. Drive up to cash machine. > 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. > 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. > 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. > 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. > 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. > 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive > distance from the car. > 8. Insert card. > 9. Re-insert card the right way. > 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside > back page. > 11. Enter PIN. > 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. > 13. Enter amount of cash required. > 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. > 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. > 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. > 17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of > chequebook. > 18. Re-check makeup. > 19. Drive forward 2 feet. > 20. Reverse back to cash machine. > 21. Retrieve card. > 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot > provided! > 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. > 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. > 25. Redial person on cell phone. > 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. > 27. Release Parking Brake.
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Post by The General on Apr 30, 2010 11:32:20 GMT 1
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's butt?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant. Don't waste ammunition. Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. Always, always make sure you know who has the power. Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
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Post by McF on Jun 6, 2010 9:41:01 GMT 1
I got a new roll on type deodrant yesterday and tried it out.
The instructions said "remove top and push up bottom" which I did
Walking is pretty uncomfortable until you get used to it, but my farts smell so much better now ;D
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Post by McF on Nov 25, 2010 16:37:11 GMT 1
There was an old Farmer who owned a small farm in the Yorkshire Dales.
The Inland Revenue had written to him, claiming he was not paying proper salaries to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my Herdsman who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £250 a week plus free room and board."
"The Labourer has been here for 18 months, and I pay him £150 per week plus free room and board."
"Anyone else?" says the Taxman
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of Beer every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the Taxman.
"That would be me," replied the Farmer.
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Post by McF on Nov 25, 2010 16:39:20 GMT 1
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'
'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic.'
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'
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Post by McF on Nov 25, 2010 16:47:13 GMT 1
Well, the festive season is almost upon us. We're organising our Christmas meal at work, but it's going slightly wrong, here's the latest set of emails:
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2010
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2010
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2010
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2010
RE: Holiday Part
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?! Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2010
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The bitch_ from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2010
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
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Post by McF on Nov 25, 2010 16:50:19 GMT 1
Why we should not flirt!!!!!!! A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.' 'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of his life. ;D ;D ;D ;D
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cindik
Ahh! Just passed their bike test
Posts: 32
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Post by cindik on Nov 25, 2010 17:15:50 GMT 1
When Canada was coming into being, the people knew they needed a name. Not wanting to give any one group of people power over the others in naming rights, they had four representatives from around the country to come up with a fair way of naming the land.
It was decided that random chance would be the most fair, so the four created tiles with letters on them (this would lead to the Scrabble game) and placed them in a bag.
The first would hold the bag The second would pull out letters one by one. The third would read the letters as they were pulled. The fourth would write them down.
This would continue until they had something that was pronounceable and sounded like a unique name.
The first picked up the bag, shook it, and held it open.
As the second began to pull out the letters, the third called them out.
"C, eh?"
"N, eh?"
"D, eh?"
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Post by Jaz66 on Nov 26, 2010 0:31:00 GMT 1
hahaha like the holiday one McF.... ;D ;D And the Canada one... ;D Nice one chaps..keep em coming..
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Post by McF on Nov 26, 2010 8:17:26 GMT 1
I got back to North Yorkshire on Wednesday, narrowly beating the snow. It's pretty bad herre with over 6 inches on the ground and more falling all the time.
We have some Irish neighbours, here is what happened in their house over the past few days:
Paddy and Sheelagh were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Paddy said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Paddy replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions. He turned to Sheelagh, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Sheelagh?" Sheelagh replied, "Aw, Paddy, just leave the car in the d@mn garage today, they won't notice." ;D
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult." the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset." ;D
A man dies and goes to heaven, and Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him, and Saint Peter says, "Oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you, so you can all be together." He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side. They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside. "Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the holy rollers," says Saint Peter. "They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless". They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges. "Who's in there?" the man asks. "That's the room for the Shakers," replies Saint Peter. Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, "We must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound." They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room. "Oh, those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here!" ;D
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Post by McF on Nov 26, 2010 8:36:31 GMT 1
A Stockbroker, a Yorkshireman and a Scouser (for our International friends, someone from Liverpool) were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Stockbroker, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the Stockbroker, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Scouser and the Yorkshireman and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of £500, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the £500, and the next thing I knew was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the Stockbroker, "the Yorkshireman was haggling over the price and the Scouser was waiting for the government to pay his." ;D ;D ;D
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