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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 16, 2009 1:28:47 GMT 1
Serious Burns Units.......................... ;D ;D ;D ;D like it.........
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pongo
Restricted to 33BHP
Posts: 51
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Post by pongo on Dec 16, 2009 10:34:43 GMT 1
Gordon Brown then went on to another ward full of teenage lads in the same hospital - it's Christmas time and he is trying to cheer the patients up" Goes up to the first patient, "what is up with you?" "I've got advanced VD" "Oh, that's awful, what is the treatment for that?" "The staff take a big stiff brush and give my wedding tackle a good scrubbing with disinfectant four times per day" "and what are you hoping to get on Christmas day?" "I'm hoping to get a new iPod"
Goes up to the second patient, "what is up with you?" "I've got chronic piles" "Oh, that's awful, what is the treatment for that?" "The staff take a big stiff brush and give my ar$e a good scrubbing with disinfectant four times per day" "and what are you hoping to get on Christmas day?" "I'm hoping to get a new Nintendo Wii"
Goes up to the third patient, "what is up with you?" "I've got terrible tonsilitis" "Oh, that's awful, what is the treatment for that?" "The staff take a big stiff brush and give my mouth and throat a good scrubbing with disinfectant four times per day" "and what are you hoping to get on Christmas day?" "I'm hoping to get first scrub with the brush"
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Post by The General on Dec 17, 2009 22:56:31 GMT 1
A patrol was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.
The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind scotsman, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing idiot.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."
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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 17, 2009 23:51:43 GMT 1
General ..Like the joke ;D ;D
But the very phrase.............." Lord Mandelson "
Embarrasses and brings shame on the country, and shows exactly how low we have sunk with our morals that someone as despicable as him, thrown out of government several times for lying and cheating still has a postion with high regards in political cirles speaks volumes about the 'Blair years', which will be remebered with shame for many years to come.
HOW he could EVER be allowed to return to ANY position where he wasn't wearing a stripy suit with a 24 hour guard and a cell mate named Bubba is simply beyond me, let alone for anyone of the royals OR government to have call him with any such honour above "prisoner xxxx666" brings eternal shame to the british way of life.
But like i said ...Like the Joke.. ;D
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Post by McF on Dec 18, 2009 0:33:46 GMT 1
But the very phrase.............." Lord Mandelson " /kjnfvluegv egfpeurhg bnlm' dj ge;eife;n dfigiq3w#erfk Sorry I've just puked on my keyboard and I can't see the keys ;D Jaz, you're absolutely right. We have seen some corruption, underhand double dealing and generally bad leadership from our Parliament in recent years, but elevating The Prince of Darkness to the Upper House in the Mother of Parliaments is taking the pi$$ There is a well documented, but unproven tale of his Lordship when he was introduced to the the good constituents of British West Hartlepool. He was given a tour of the Working Mens Clubs and offered pints of the local beer (Camerons Strongarm). At least once he expressed a preference for Chardonnay ;D After visiting the bingo etc, he was ushered to a fish shop for a "bite to eat". After one of the lads ordered "Cod and Chips", he added and some "Guacomole please" and pointed to the simmering tub of Mushy Peas ;D ;D
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Post by The General on Dec 18, 2009 0:47:02 GMT 1
brings eternal shame to the british way of life. But like i said ...Like the Joke.. ;D Pleased you like the joke look at this, recieved recently by eMail. Do not know if it is true, but it certainly sounds it [glow=red,2,300] Subject: UNBELIEVABLE....BUT TRUE!!! This is unbelievable, but can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following employee statistics. 29 have been accused of spouse abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 9 have been accused of writing bad cheque's 17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 3 have done time for assault 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits 84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year And collectively, this year alone, they have cost the British tax payer £92,993,748 in expenses!!! Which organization is this ? It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us inline. What a bunch of b------ we have running our country - it says it all.. And just to top all that they now have the best 'corporate' pension scheme in the country!![/glow] It's one way of reducing the prison population - make all the criminals MPs
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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 18, 2009 0:48:00 GMT 1
But the very phrase.............." Lord Mandelson " /kjnfvluegv egfpeurhg bnlm' dj ge;eife;n dfigiq3w#erfk
Sorry I've just puked on my keyboard and I can't see the keys ;D
Jaz, you're absolutely right. We have seen some corruption, underhand double dealing and generally bad leadership from our Parliament in recent years, but elevating The Prince of Darkness to the Upper House in the Mother of Parliaments is taking the pi$$
There is a well documented, but unproven tale of his Lordship when he was introduced to the the good constituents of British West Hartlepool. He was given a tour of the Working Mens Clubs and offered pints of the local beer (Camerons Strongarm). At least once he expressed a preference for Chardonnay ;D After visiting the bingo etc, he was ushered to a fish shop for a "bite to eat". After one of the lads ordered "Cod and Chips", he added and some "Guacomole please" and pointed to the simmering tub of Mushy Peas ;D ;DHAHAHA...Guacamole................
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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 18, 2009 1:12:55 GMT 1
This lot wouldn't look out of place in the old soviet politburo, with all the Snouts in the trough stuff they have been doing. Hope to see loads go by the election and a new regime in place to curb the excesses, but with crooks at the top in almost every department what chance have we got..... Maybe a little of that charming rumanian hopsitality and political will to deal with the excesses of the leader A'la Ceauşescu's, wouldn't really go amiss.... If we lost one or two that way the gene pool would be cleaner and the vast knowledge they hold. would not really be too sorely missed... ;D. Double up with one or two bankers (barclay's prefereably) and it all becomes VERY cost efective. Better banking AND cheaper government............ ;D ;D mmh, maybe i should stand, i could be on to something here....
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Post by McF on Dec 18, 2009 10:37:00 GMT 1
mmh, maybe i should stand, i could be on to something here.... I will move house (or get the government to buy me a second one, fully expensed) so that I could move near you and VOTE FOR JAZZ
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Post by The General on Dec 18, 2009 19:41:23 GMT 1
A BAD DAY A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, "What cha gonna do about it?" The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on, man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life – and then you showed up and drank the d**n poison.”
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Post by The General on Dec 18, 2009 20:12:57 GMT 1
A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby, like many of the Glasgow men folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ? Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions: 1. "First", Bobby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition. 2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition. 3. "Third", Bobby said, "I want all the weans raised as "Celtic fans." Once again it was agreed. 4. "And last of all", Bobby stated, "Ye'll need tae gie me anither week to come up with the £500"
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Post by The General on Dec 18, 2009 20:33:05 GMT 1
A Cow's Tail
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's ar$e
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'
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Post by The General on Dec 21, 2009 17:48:17 GMT 1
This policeman was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...
Q: 'Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line.
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Post by McF on Dec 22, 2009 9:58:37 GMT 1
Health Warning: The next pandemic - expected to hit most over the festive period
I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.
I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.
From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.
This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case.
Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.
However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a square sausage on a roll and a bottle of Irn Bru can also help in some cases. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick..
Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.
NOTE If you find you are complaining a lot about the symptoms, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in females and can quickly spread to their partners where the symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling.
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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 22, 2009 13:46:19 GMT 1
;D ;D ;D Like it.. MY GOD...Thanks for the warning Looks like i have been a passive carrier for the last 6 years..
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