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Post by ilegalalien on Oct 3, 2009 13:27:30 GMT 1
A man wants to have his thingy enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a new procedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of it. The man goes for it and gets a humongous thingy. One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his thingy reaches up from under the table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table. The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible", she says, "Can you do it again?" The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my butt can handle another bun right now".
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Post by McF on Oct 3, 2009 20:51:02 GMT 1
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all ? Suspicion of anything foreign !! How true! and incredibly funny
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Post by McF on Oct 4, 2009 22:37:16 GMT 1
I met a friend of mine in town tonight. He introduced me to his new girlfriend. She is a Dwarf and sadly, of limited education. We went to the bar to get some drinks and he asked me "so what do you think of her" I had to tell him he had made a poor choice "it's not big and it's not clever"
Street Crime is getting worse where I live. Knife crime is increasing and only this morning a Dwarf had his pockets picked. I cannot understand how anyone can stoop so low?
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Post by Jaz66 on Oct 4, 2009 23:14:59 GMT 1
Son is a little concerend about his dad and insists he goes to see a doctor.
The doctor also concerned sends him to the hospital to see a specialist.
After a battery of tests the doctors take the son to one side and tell him that his dad has cancer of the liver and has not got long to live.
seeing his father leave the consultants room he knows that his father is aware of the prognosis, and seeks to ease the burden.
"tell you what dad, we'll do all the things you want to do, before...well you know"
"ah, your a good son. All I want you to do is get all my friends down the pub for one last farewell drink"
The son does this and on the night the dad gets up and explains the reason for the sudden 'Party' ... is he is dying of HIV.
The friends all shed a tear and drink to the dad.
The son bewildered by the lie ask his dad what 'that' was all about. "Well when I'm gone I don't want one of those sweaty bastards in there giving your mother one, do I".... ;D ;D
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Post by McF on Oct 6, 2009 8:53:09 GMT 1
Police have issued warnings about a very dangerous trick being practiced by nightclubbers in Yorkshire. To get an instant "high", they are using medical syringes to inject the designer drug ecstacy directly into their mouths. The practice is known locally as "E by gum"
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Post by McF on Dec 5, 2009 23:13:03 GMT 1
Royal Mail created a stamp with a picture of the
Prime Minister of Great Britain ... Gordon Brown
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and spending of £1.1million, a special commission presented the following findings:
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp
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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 6, 2009 0:39:01 GMT 1
;D ;D ;D ;D Ooohh very good....and topical....
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Post by McF on Dec 7, 2009 7:20:21 GMT 1
I got a text message this morning. All it said was "ngBa"
I think this is Bang out of order!
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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 7, 2009 9:57:49 GMT 1
;D ;D ;D Oh very sharp this morning, mate... hehehe, must use that one today..
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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 9, 2009 9:13:21 GMT 1
Americans... .hehe THE ROBOT BARTENDER A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc....... The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"?? This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e? y-o-u-r? p-e-o-p-l-e??? h-a-p-p-y? w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A? ?
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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 9, 2009 9:14:43 GMT 1
Wives can be so understanding.... ;
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...' At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
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Post by Jaz66 on Dec 9, 2009 9:26:36 GMT 1
The Duck Hunter.
THE DUCK HUNTER by TAMI
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and it discharged, shooting him in the ball's.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
'Well, sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'
'What's the bad news,'? asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your thingy. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon."
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
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Post by Buzzin (^_^) on Dec 12, 2009 16:10:42 GMT 1
Taken from today's Userfriendly forum:
Santa was having a very bad day.
When he stepped out of bed he stepped right on something sharp and pointy an elf had put there, and when he put on his sleppers he found there something deposited by his dog.
They were out of milk, so he had to eat his cereal dry, and when he was going out he found that is jacket had been put in the washer, so he would have to go check on the reindeer without it.
Apparently the reindeer were all sick. Some had the pig flu, some had the bird flu, some had the spanish flu, and one apparently had the tamiflu. One had been discovered out on the icefield, where it sniffed out a mysterious box labelled "Orion Project." All elves that came near it afterwards developed strange illnesses, and were confined to bed. The critter looked like it felt all right, but the weird glowing red nose just was not all right.
After inspecting the ill reindeer, Santa went to the workshop, which smelled foul as so many of the elves involved in retrieving Rudolf the curious explorer reindeer had puked all over the floor and into the machinery.
After slipping in a puddle of vomit and putting his hand deep inside some puke-soaked machinery, Santa went to the showers, but the hot water was gone. And there was a polar bear in there, which he had to wrestle for almost an hour to get it outside.
Santa went back inside his humble abode to have some coffee, only to find that a satanic penguin had come and drunk it all, and was hiding in the refridgerator. He found it when he looked for milk, and it bit him in the nose. And his wife laughed at him, and he was pretty sure his dog did too.
Santa was furious. Then the doorbell rang. Santa went to go scheck it out.
It was a pretty little angel, carrying with him a large xmas tree.
"WTF do you want?" asked Santa. "I have come with your cristmastree, sir, and I only want to know where I can put it," said the angel in his bright and cheery little angel voice.
And this is why there is always an angel on top of x-mas trees.
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Post by McF on Dec 13, 2009 17:02:10 GMT 1
Two lawyers were out on a hunting trip in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly one of them clutches his chest, utters a pitiful cry and falls to the ground blue in the face. The other lawyer is unsure what to do and is fearful his colleague might sue if he gets things wrong. He promptly whips out his mobile telephone and dials 999 and asks to be put through to the Ambulance Service. He describes what had happened and said "I think he might have had a heart attack, what should I do next?" The operator says "well, the first thing we should do is make sure he's dead". The Lawyer says "OK", silence for a moment and then three gunshots are heard. The lawyer comes back on the line and says "OK, he's definetely dead, what next?"
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Post by McF on Dec 16, 2009 1:16:29 GMT 1
Gordon Brown is being shown around a Scottish hospital, is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no visible signs of injury.
He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims" "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!" Brown is somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Laird be thankit."
The next patient sits up and declaims: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi' bickering brattle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi' murdering prattle!"
Well, says Brown to the doctor. "These poor men are all in a terrible state. I can see they have massive problems, but what on earth is wrong with the poor creatures?."
The doctor advises him: "this is the Serious Burns Unit!"
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