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Post by Jaz66 on Apr 1, 2009 1:18:52 GMT 1
Andymon... Both good (had heard first one but still chuckled ... but the second one..... Sheer class, did not expect that....... ;D ;D ;D more of the same please....
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Post by Buzzin (^_^) on May 8, 2009 11:01:38 GMT 1
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
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Post by McF on May 13, 2009 22:13:27 GMT 1
An old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of London and he motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see two Government Ministers before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Two prominent MPs would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, one said to the other: "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help us improve our images in the public eye." The other MP couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took one MPs hand in his right hand and the others hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally one of the MPs spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
The old priest continued...
"He died between two lying no good thieving bastards..... I would like to do the same."
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awoke from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?' He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.' The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?' He replied, 'No money in the bank.' The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.' The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.' The patient replied, 'In that case, send the bill to my brother-in-law.'
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Post by McF on May 13, 2009 22:21:31 GMT 1
Can't remember if we have already seen this posted.
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar: COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?" The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am". The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
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andymon
Restricted to 33BHP
Posts: 52
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Post by andymon on Aug 10, 2009 22:13:57 GMT 1
What a dream week I have had; Daughter was on the cover of Vogue Son on the cover of the Sporting Times Mistress on the cover of Playboy and Wife on the cover of Missing Persons.... ;D A farmer accidentally shot his wife whilst cleaning his shotgun. In a panic he phones 999. Shouting I have shot my wife and think I may have killed her. Can you calm down replied the operator. Can you first make sure she really is dead. Click, Bang yes she's dead, now what. It may not come as much of a surprise, but my wife has left me! She took my Bob Marley collection the television and the satellite dish.......I am absolutely gutted....No woman, no Sky!
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Post by McF on Aug 11, 2009 0:13:47 GMT 1
They're all good ones but risky sharing them if your wife ever finds out!
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Post by Jaz66 on Aug 11, 2009 0:51:35 GMT 1
Andymon................."No woman, No sky"............ .................. ... . . Come on people..More of the same ..Please..
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andymon
Restricted to 33BHP
Posts: 52
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Post by andymon on Aug 11, 2009 21:02:37 GMT 1
I met my wife when I was stationed in Switzerland during my army days. After we married I was amazed coming home to find her feeding the baby in one arm, cooking my dinner with the other whilst mopping the floor with her right foot. Flippin' heck love what are you doing? I asked. She replied, I'm just doing what you would expect from a swiss army wife!
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Post by givepeasachance on Aug 15, 2009 11:42:41 GMT 1
1. A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer... 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'......
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Then Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could just see her a little out of the corner of his left eye...
2. According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the janitor would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked him to show the girls how much effort was required. He rummaged through his trolley of cleaning eqpt and took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it several times in the toilet bowl.... and proceeded to brush over and clean the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no further lip prints on the mirror.
Moral of the story: There are teachers. . . and then there are educators.
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Post by Buzzin (^_^) on Sept 19, 2009 22:02:40 GMT 1
Just off the telly (jack dee at the apollo) Life could be worse, you could be an egg. You only get laid once Only get smashed once And the only bird that will sit on your face is your mum.
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Post by ilegalalien on Oct 3, 2009 12:45:03 GMT 1
Hi You have just received a Taliban virus. Since we are not so technologically advanced in Afghanistan, this is a MANUAL virus. Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this mail to everyone you know. Thank you very much for helping me. Abdullah Taliban Hacker
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Post by ilegalalien on Oct 3, 2009 12:46:15 GMT 1
Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed by thy drink They will be drunk At home as in the tavern Give us this day our foamy head And forgive us our spillages As we forgive those who spill against us And lead us not to incarceration But deliver us from hangovers For thine is the beer, the bitter and the larger Forever and ever Barmen
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Post by ilegalalien on Oct 3, 2009 12:47:48 GMT 1
He said . . . "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it" She said . . . "Well you wear pants don't you? "
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Post by ilegalalien on Oct 3, 2009 12:49:02 GMT 1
one of my fav's Why don't blind people sky-dive? Because it scares the s**t out of their dogs!
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Post by ilegalalien on Oct 3, 2009 12:52:05 GMT 1
What It Means To Be British: One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland...
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all ? Suspicion of anything foreign !!
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