hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 20:31:39 GMT 1
My doctor asked how much walking I do. I said about 20 miles a week through bushes,sand dunes and hills.
He said I'm quite the outdoors man
I said No, I'm just a nuts golfer!
|
|
hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 20:32:25 GMT 1
A girl without curves is like a road without corners. You get where you're going quickly - but it's boring as hell!!
|
|
hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 20:33:31 GMT 1
The police want to interview me.
Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there.
|
|
hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 20:34:33 GMT 1
Some people are like clouds.
Once they f**k off, its a great day
|
|
hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 20:37:57 GMT 1
"d**n your bike leaks alot of oil"
I say, nope its just sweatin horsepower
|
|
hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 20:39:10 GMT 1
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.' The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'
|
|
hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 20:39:39 GMT 1
Teacher:"I have a green ball in one hand, and a green ball in the other. What do I have?"
Student:"Kermit the Frog begging for mercy"
|
|
hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 20:42:44 GMT 1
I live for 2 reasons:
1. I was born 2. I haven't died yet.
|
|
hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 20:44:45 GMT 1
Why can't I get a fu****g phone signal yet terrorists can upload videos from caves in Afghan? Is there a terrorist mobile tariff I can go on?
|
|
hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 20:45:37 GMT 1
There are fields, and sheep, and country lanes, and cows, and roads, and farmhouses, and birds, and trees.. Sorry, I'm rambling
|
|
hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 20:47:39 GMT 1
The SAS, The Royal Marines and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective... is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready toskin and cook. Night falls... First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" remarks the trainer. Next up - the Marines. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselveswith camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods,screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring withthe sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charredremains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer. Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistlingDixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken bythe occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango FoxtrotOne, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity,they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer,"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hoursago!". So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on andturns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut. "Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer. The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright,alright... I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!
|
|
hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 20:58:16 GMT 1
Tits are proof that Men can focus on 2 things at once.
|
|
hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 20:58:49 GMT 1
You know your a fat bastard when the doorbell rings and you rush to the microwave.
|
|
hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 20:59:28 GMT 1
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands...
For instance, if they're around your throat she's probably a little upset with you
|
|
hairyuk
All Weather Rider, well hard
Posts: 155
|
Post by hairyuk on Jun 29, 2012 21:01:33 GMT 1
A man's making love to his wife. He asks her "Can you moan to get me more excited?" She says "the taps dripping, you ain't paid the bills, & your breath stinks
|
|